


The Cold Wind Blows (Yet You Stay)

by scenarios



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon verse, Gen, M/M, That's it, rare pair life 4ever, shinwon listens, they -gasps- hold hands, this is short and filled w projecting insecurities, yuto cries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:55:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23323558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scenarios/pseuds/scenarios
Summary: Yuto gets lost in his head. Shinwon is there to drag him out of it.
Relationships: implied Adachi Yuto/Ko Shinwon
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	The Cold Wind Blows (Yet You Stay)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic .... i love them still

It’s late, and Yuto knows he should get to sleep but he just can’t. His consciousness lingers at the edges of his mind, constantly fading in and out but never hushing. Minutes tick by as he lies in bed, staring at the ceiling, and counting nothing. Thoughts flash through his mind—they’re relentless in their ridicule, in their demeaning ways, and they repeat without hesitation. They wear him down until he’s sick of them. 

They crawl into his mind at night, beckoning him to listen. Cooing that there isn’t anything wrong with thoughts such as these. He squeezes his eyes shut, counting helpless sheep and following the rhythm of his roommate’s breaths. 

Breathe in, and breathe out. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

In and out. 

In. 

And. 

Out. 

He continues on for a couple seconds, minutes, hours perhaps, and—maybe he could fool his body but never his mind. He lets out a soft, weary sigh and opens his eyes. This won’t do, he thinks, and he leaves the empty comfort of his bed.

Yuto sits at the kitchen table in the dark. The room is illuminated by faint trickles of moonlight that seep through the shutters. He holds his head in his hands and worries. It’s three a.m. He needs to be up in three hours. They have practices to go through, meetings to be done, shoots to be held yet here he is. Alone and awake with nothing but his own cold thoughts as company. 

Loneliness pangs through him and settles on his chest. It clenches a cold fist over his heart and squeezes until it hurts. It’s silly because rationally, he knows he isn’t alone but there’s that something that nags at him in the back of his mind of what if’s. Yuto doesn’t know what he wants in life but right now but he knows that right now, he’ll take any comfort over being alone.

A sharp inhale jolts him out of his thoughts. He looks up and it’s Shinwon, one of his hands pressed over his chest, eyes wide. “Shit, you scared me,” Shinwon exhales in one breathe, a little concerned but overall tired. “Why’re you still up?” 

Yuto doesn’t say anything at first. Instead he weakly smiles but quickly realizes Shinwon can’t see his expression in the dark-lit room. “Ah, no reason really.” He says in a rush. Shinwon makes an unconvinced sound of agreement and shuffles into the kitchen. Silence falls upon them. The only sound is the nearly quiet gush of water being poured into glass. 

Yuto zones out once more, staring at his hands on top of the table as they drum with restless energy. there’s nothing but the quiet pit-pat of his fingers tapping endlessly. Yuto doesn’t stop—not even when he feels Shinwon take a seat beside him with two glasses of water. Shinwon settles in his seat with ease but says nothing, basking in the almost-comfortable silence that now blankets over them. 

Yuto can’t help but trail his gaze over his hyung. His eyes dart from his messy bangs and his sleepy eyes, then to his fingers that slowly trace around the rim of the cup. 

The comfortable silence that first fell upon them disperses—it stretches and buzzes uncomfortably in Yuto’s ears. A kind of white noise that rings in his ears. Yuto fails to keep his composure straight, fidgeting at the silent company Shinwon offers, and hopes Shinwon won’t notice anything amiss and that he’ll leave Yuto to be alone soon and—

“It’s okay, you know,” Shinwon softly speaks, eyes downcast, and the sound of his voice pierces through Yuto’s ears. 

Yuto looks at Shinwon, apprehensive, a little nervous, and his brows raised slightly in question and lips ready to deflect. Yuto doesn’t dare think of what Shinwon may be implying. He straightens up, waiting for Shinwon to continue but Shinwon doesn’t.

They sit in silence once more. 

The silence is stilted and turns pervasive.

Yuto keeps his lips sealed tight, face tight with emotion. He doesn’t want to utter a peep of what runs through his head to anyone—not to his members, not to his family, not to his friends, and no, not even to himself. It’s a destructive cycle. One that eats you from the inside out until you’re threatening to burst at the seams; until you’re gurgling and gasping for air, for comfort—but he tells himself he’s strong. He can face this himself. He can face the constant self-doubt that tug and pull at him in efforts of, and succeeding at, wearing him thin. Exhaustion settles in the crevices of his mind and he thinks that maybe. Just maybe, telling wouldn’t hurt. 

But what if it does? Yuto can only hope it doesn’t. 

In the wee hours of dawn, before the sun has a chance to break through the horizon, is when Yuto is the most vulnerable. Fatigue follows him, settling in his bones, weighing him down, and he can only be so weary, so on guard before his worries overflow. And, it isn’t like the others aren’t willing to listen to his plight. It’s just that. It was never the right time (but when is the right time exactly). 

Yuto feels like the weight of the world bears down on his shoulders in the delicate mornings where usually it’s just him. It’s a time where he could break apart and slowly piece himself back together. And it was never now, where anyone else has ever caught him right here, at this time of day.

Yuto can feel his eyes well up with tears and he desperately prays they don’t drop. That Shinwon won’t take notice. He’s supposed to be strong. Infallible and positive. Not, _this_. This nervous wreck with anxiousness that dances around the dredges of his mind. With insecurities that stretch endlessly, its claws gripping tighter with each passing thought. Yuto doesn’t want to admit anything. Nothing that could paint him as weak-hearted and fragile but he can’t help but take a leap of faith. As risky as it is, the worst Yuto can prove to be in Shinwon’s eyes, is weak. Not like this when he’s at his most vulnerable with the only person in the world who he feels can understand him.

Tears start to roll down his face—slowly, one by one, right after the other. They’re hot, humiliating tears that display his weakness to the one person that he doesn’t want to see the most. Yuto squeezes his eyes shut and cradles his head in his hands. He tries his best to stay quiet by muffling his short gasps. Yuto isn’t a loud crier by nature but in the still morning, he’s afraid to make any sound. And it’s irrational to think he’ll wake up the whole dorm but it’s a worry that plagues his mind—what if he does? He doesn’t want to face questions; their worried faces, concerned questions, pitiful eyes. He doesn’t want that.

“Yuto,” Shinwon exhales his name in sharp surprise. Yuto holds his breath in an effort to control his breathing. One, two, three, he counts in futile, breath shuddering. In the midst of his attempts to calm himself down, Shinwon tugs Yuto’s head onto his shoulder and firmly embraces him, not saying anything. Shinwon runs his hand tenderly up and down Yuto’s spine, giving Yuto reassurance he’s here; he’s tangible and he isn’t letting go. Not anytime soon. 

Yuto wraps his arms around Shinwon and digs his face into his shoulder, relieved for some physical contact. His tears are less now, and crying has always taken the most out of him and he hates it. Yuto lays his head on Shinwon’s shoulder, a funny feeling brews in his stomach from the comfort Shinwon offers but he’s uneasy still. Does he tell Shinwon the thoughts that have been plaguing him or not? Yuto sits there, pondering if Shinwon will perceive him differently after all of this. Will he see Yuto as immature and childish now that he’s seen Yuto at his weakest? He hopes not. 

Yuto stares up at Shinwon from his position—Shinwon’s eyes are forward and no visible emotion could be betrayed from his face. “Hyung, d’you think I’m inadequate?” Yuto feels Shinwon tense up. His hand stops their comforting gesture and rests at the small of his back, his fist clenching at his shirt. “Sometimes,” Yuto whispers gingerly, afraid that if he spoke any louder, the words that will come out of his mouth will fly away and enter the others’ dreams and thoughts, affecting them negatively. “Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning and, and that everything’s just empty.” He admits, holding his breath slightly, eyes fixated on Shinwon, watching for his face to give away his thoughts.

A long pause follows. Maybe he made a mistake, Yuto thinks as the silence returns. Before he could worry further, Shinwon speaks. “There are times when we’ll feel like we’re not enough,” Shinwon doesn’t look at Yuto, instead he continues to stare at the wall. He watches moonlight seep through into the room. Distracting him as he tries to muster up his genuine feelings. There’s no need for lies here; for a façade. Raw feelings are always the most tender, the most a person can just be. 

“There’s gonna be times when giving our all won’t feel like it’s enough. And that we’ve failed ‘cause we aren’t _good_ enough. Because there’s a little voice inside our heads that belittle us and everything we could possibly do. There’s always gonna be an itch at the back of our heads that tries to convince us that we don’t deserve to be so free and happy. That it’s too good to be true.” Shinwon tightens his grip onto Yuto, afraid that if he lets go he’ll drift away, but Shinwon’s unsure on whether he means Yuto or himself. 

“It’s a monster that festers internally within and—” Shinwon’s voice cracks a little but he continues on. “—and we have to be strong enough to tell it to shut up and that you’re better than it. It doesn’t control you even if some days you feel like it does. It’s fine to lose your footing on some days because even if you fall, you can get back up and try again.”

Yuto slowly extracts himself from Shinwon, hands no longer on each other’s person and the only physical contact remaining between them are their touching knees. “Hyung, is it selfish of me to feel lonely even though I have all the other members and you? Even though I have my family and friends?” Yuto asked, desperation tinged alongside the edges of his words while his fingers restlessly fiddles with the fabric of his pants. 

Shinwon looks at Yuto and Yuto feels as if Shinwon can see everything—all his vulnerability, his reluctance, his self-doubt. “I don’t think it is. It’s normal to feel alone even when you’re surrounded by people.” Shinwon attempts a smile but it ends up resembling a grimace more than anything.

“Hyung, do you… Do you get lonely too?” Yuto asks. The faint realization that his Shinwon hyung, and his other hyungs, could be just like him too. Shinwon cracks a smile—small but still genuine—and laughs a bit. 

“Of course y’know. It’s only human nature to feel lonely.” He said fondly. 

It’s reassuring, Yuto thinks. That his hyungs—that everyone can feel like this too and Yuto isn’t the only one. “Shinwon hyung,” Yuto turns shy at what he’ll request of Shinwon. “Can I—can we, um. Can I hold your hand?” Shinwon looks perplexed at Yuto’s request but he nods nonetheless, setting his hands in his lap. 

Yuto tentatively reaches for Shinwon’s hands before he holds them gently. Shinwon’s hands are cute. His fingers are just a little shorter than Yuto’s but his hands are soft and his palms are wide. That’s a good trait to have for hand holding, Yuto unconsciously thinks . Yuto links his fingers with Shinwon’s and he feels calmer from the comfort physical touch gives him. 

“Can we hold hands whenever I feel like this?” Yuto mumbles, still shy, eyes centered on their interlaced fingers. He hears Shinwon asking him to repeat his question and Yuto does, slowly and it is just as hesitant, or maybe even more, as it was the first time he asked. 

“Wait, I didn’t hear you again. What did you say?” Shinwon asks once more. Yuto huffs and goes to repeat what he said earlier. Before words leave his mouth, he looks up and sees Shinwon’s amused face and promptly closes his mouth, refusing to further repeat his questions. Shinwon’s face lights up with laughter and he struggles to keep his volume down. 

Yuto wrenches his hands away, face hot with embarrassment. “I was just teasing you,” Shinwon says fondly, reaching for Yuto’s hands and holds them tighter than how Yuto held his. 

“If I get to see you react like this every time then I want to hold your hands all the time.” Yuto doesn’t say anything but he stares at Shinwon in relief. That his Shinwon hyung understands him, it’s like a weight’s been lifted off his shoulders. “Let’s go to sleep.” Shinwon says, dragging Yuto up and he starts walking towards their rooms, hands still connected. 

Yuto eyes their hands. He hasn’t felt this free in ages, and he knows there will be times when that overwhelming pressure returns but for now, he has his Shinwon hyung who understands him and is willing to comfort him. Yuto can feel his smile appear with more ease now.

“Hyung thank you. Really, thank you.” Yuto is so grateful and he isn’t sure how to show it, so he squeezes Shinwon’s hands in an effort to show his appreciation. Shinwon reciprocates the feeling, smiling at him. 

Standing in the middle of the hallway, he leans into Yuto and whispers. “Don’t tell anyone but you’re my favorite okay?” He puts a finger up to his lips and winks playfully. Yuto blushes and looks away from Shinwon, not answering. Shinwon’s smile widens; it reaches his eyes and makes them twinkle, endearing him to Yuto even more. Shinwon squeezes Yuto’s hands reassuringly one last time before parting ways to his room. 

Yuto falls into bed, heart feeling lighter than ever now that he’s shared his thoughts with someone. It’s a start, he thinks, falling asleep before he could elaborate on his own thought. His dreams—if he does dream, Yuto hopes he will remember—will be sweet today.

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! i think this may be the only pentagon fic ill ever post. i was written bc i had a Need for more shinwon content and lo and behold, my 2 yr old fic ;; pls leave kudos and a comment if u liked it!
> 
> much love 💛


End file.
